Decisions, Decisions.
My husband found a German YouTuber that makes sarcastic jokes regularly about parenting.
His name is Moritz Neumaier. There are some sentences from him that I can’t get out from my mind. I might be wrong, but I think he said something like this “people that became parents are the people who reach higher level than childless people. People who have only one child are kind of egoistic and people who have two children are those who are acceptable”. I laughed so much on his YouTube videos.
Talking about higher level humans after become a mother myself – sorry not sorry but – I am so much agreed to him. I rolled my eyes (I swear they can’t see it! x) ) if I ever heard childless friends and acquaintances are complaining on how difficult and tiring their life are.
Life itself is about decisions. People who became parents have been chosen to do so (at least most of the time) and I can talk about myself, that I chose to be a mom and nobody forced me to be one. There are some personal goals of mine that need to be compromised, in order to balance some aspects of my roles. From choices, we are getting to priorities. If I am writing this, I am only putting forward my opinions that are not necessarily fit to everyone’s point of views and situations. Disclaimer: take it or leave it.
Now we’re shifting to the part where I’d write about my parenthood experience, raising a kid (until this writing out, he’s 2.5 years old) and being an Indonesian mom during covid-time without any family member around me besides my husband. As much as I mentioned on my now-inactive YouTube channel – motherhood is so difficult and I feel like nobody talked about this before. I am here to share my truth.
As much as I know myself, I am a person who knows exactly what I want in life and I never give up to work on my goals. But everything changes since I become a mom. Everything was only about the baby. My time, my effort, my energy, my life – only to be put on him. Suddenly I was simply loosing myself. It went like that until now he’s going to the kindergarten, where he could stay there playing with other kids from 8:30 – 15:30 and now I am slowly gaining time, enabling myself to enter the workforce again to do what ‘normal’ adult people do, working professionally to earn money.
Before my son, I didn’t imagine that I am open to do only part-time job. I was too ambitious. I still have it in the back of my mind that someday I’ll found a professional work in Germany that I truly enjoy that comes with an equally profitable financial advantage but anyway, I put the brakes on myself. I stop comparing myself unconsciously to the women I thought they’ve made it careerwise.
Every time I see career-wise successful women, I stop saying to myself “if they can make it, why shouldn’t I?” Instead I ask myself such questions:
Do they have child(ren)? What kind of support system do they have? What are their priorities in life? What are the prices for them in order to be in their position right now?
Childless or not is the most important question that influence all aspects of your life. Heck with career, even my relationship with my husband has been 180 degrees changed! Before our son, it felt like we are two people who can’t live without each other, enjoy our own companies and support 1000% to each other’s life-goals. Most of the time were honeymoon-phase because it was only two of us. Now that we are parents, most of the time, everything is only about effort. And we’re nowadays are simply tired. There are almost no time for night cuddles only for us two like before, instead we’re so busy to put our son in bed and after all, we just fall asleep.
On the playground I’ve ‘interviewed’ some parents whether both parents are working and how they manage two children in a relatively short-distance of ages. How is it possible for them to take care a baby and 1.5 years old in a same time. Most of the answers are, they have helpful grandparents who live around that can take care of the children in ‘emergency’ situations. The luxury that an immigrant woman like me could never afford. All my families are in Indonesia. My mom loves my son more than she loves me even though she met him only once in this February- March this year. She called him through WhatsApp video call everyday and I believe, she is the person I’d call to ask “please stay with my son the whole Saturday/Sunday or even weekend” just because Mama and Papa would have a time together – something we never had in years before we spent 5 days in children hotel in Tirol that included babysitter. And as far as I know, my mom will taking care my son with pleasure – as long as I am not asking it for every weekend, which I won’t.
And talking about emergency situation. Just like last Friday. I’ve been called by the kindergarten on Thursday that my son couldn’t stay on the next day. I was like, great. I need to get into argument again with my husband, so that he can watch over him because I have a job interview between 09:30 to 11:00. Just like the other days, as I need to attend a week seminar. And any other day, where I just need to do other things in life without kid (umm orthodontist appointment?). He complains if he can’t work thoroughly then it might be we have too less money in the end of the month to cover the expense (ofc because instead of working, he needs to do the unpaid childcare). Such things aren’t the questions of feminism, that my life is less important than his work. It is simply a financial reason because in a family, there should be someone who earn the money while the other take care of the kid(s), so that the bills can be paid. This kind of problems have been going through years. And yes, I could really bitter to childless people who complain that they don’t have enough time :p like, how?
Last but not least, let’s talk about priorities in life. I’ve mentioned that I am such determined person and it has been changed since I’m having my son. Every family is different and they are each know the best about themselves, situation, values, etc. If my support system even allow both parents to work full-time, I wouldn’t do it myself either as far as my situation allows me to do so. And again, it’s nothing to do with feminism or gender inequality. I am in the situation that my husband could earn 2 – 3 times higher hourly rate than me. I asked myself, why should I push myself to work full time either? Who should take care my son? It just doesn’t make sense, I mean why I decided to have a kid in a first place just to left him ‘alone’ almost all the time especially in his early years – just because I am such a determined person that would reach something for myself? Well, a kid has never been asked to be born. And if I am such determined person still, I believe I’d stay childless though.
I think I am reaching a point in my life that family bond become a highest priority for me. That my son should grow with a consciousness that the parents are putting him as a priority. That parenting is done by the parents, neither the kindergarten educators nor the grandparents. That eating together from a fresh homemade meal is something to be treasured and valued. Et cetera, et cetera. Some high profile career people might look so shiny from outside, but seeking through that the price might to left their family alone so often, I personally think that I wouldn’t afford it. I might could if I would, but I’d rather fly economic class for holiday in my whole life than work so much I left my family so often, so I can earn enough to fly private jet everywhere. Back to my first paragraphs, life is about decisions, isn’t it? But hey, never say never. I wonder if the first ten years of children’s life are the most crucial and after that, maybe the parents could gain more time for themselves again as individual? I have no idea. I’d like to discuss it though if I’d have some resources.
Ok I need to stop to write before this blog post become a novel. Join me for discussion on my Instagram @oflorentyna. Parenthood is a super hard and difficult journey, yet exciting and full of surprise. And see you in another writing if I got any chance (and time!) to write again!
